Science can fall directly in a woodchipper.

I started playing Fallout: New Vegas after not having finished it past the cursory mission where you choose a side to start your basic alignment.

If you haven’t played F:NV, the basic plot is that you’re a Courier (Courier Six, you are not a Courier, you are a free man/woman). You were supposed to deliver a platinum chip to someone in New Vegas, except a douche named Benny in a pretty classy suit blew your brains out and shoveled you under the Mojave sand to melt away to bones. Except death doesn’t take when the mail has to run, and at the start of the game you’re free from your grave, thanks to a robot named Victor, and this is where the fun starts.

In a game where you can either side with the Army, ancient Rome, or just do your own damnself and rule the world with an army of robots, there is a lot that is pretty fun, pretty dangerous, and pretty heartbreaking, but some of the things that are the worst are:

  • Vault 22, a vault infested by spores that turned the population into sentient plant beings. A vault full of Jordy Verrills. A vault where, in one room, you find two spore carriers, long since gone plant-feral, a stroller… and a crib.
  • Sargent Teddy, a bear you can loot from a Legionary up at the Fort. Turns out this dude isn’t sentimental, he just yoinked this bear from a child slave. You can either give it back to her or rip it up in front of her, you cold heartless bastard.
  • The Divide (DLC, Lonesome Road) , which was two places that didn’t have a chance to get ready to defend themselves from absolute danger the day the bombs fell. After the War, survivalists moved in, eventually – but what happened to the bombs that didn’t get a chance to be set off? I mean, that’s safe, right?
  • The soldiers in the Divide who died there with their worst enemies. On both sides. They can’t sleep now.
  • The Trauma Harnesses from Big MT (DLC, Old World Blues), which were originally designed to support injured bodies until help could be found, except the help died and the suits didn’t turn off, and – “Hey, who turned out the lights?”.
  • THE ENTIRE GAME, if you don’t know what the fuck the Courier is doing except either murdering you and everyone dressed like you without prejudice or warning, or showing up in your store to drink all your Nuka-Cola and slip off into the night, probably with a super mutant grandma and a dog by their side.

In short: Pick up F:NV if you got the cash, because it’s great, but it bothers me worse than Fallout 4, and eventually I’m going to write about what both games did well – and not so well.




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